


Where it Goes From Here

by lordofthepringles



Category: Grey's Anatomy
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, F/M, Gen, Japril, Mapril, Stackson - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-13
Updated: 2014-01-13
Packaged: 2018-01-08 13:55:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 716
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1133424
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lordofthepringles/pseuds/lordofthepringles
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set directly after the 10x12 episode in which Jackson confesses his feelings for April. Spoilers. Canon compliant.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Where it Goes From Here

I don't know what to say. The air seems thicker somehow and my heart is rushing in my ears. I understand that my body is having a physical reaction to the words I just heard my best friend slash ex boyfriend slash fellow doctor say to me and the entire church. I know what's going to happen next as a doctor. The cold sweats will set in and I will probably faint or worse say or do something that I regret because I will have not thought it through. I tell myself to calm down. I tell my heart to stop doing flips in my chest and I tell my brain that I am in control of my feelings and emotions and what I need most is to have a calm, clear head. The nagging voice in the back of my heads since Jackso had said those words to me repeated louder and louder as it rattled around inside my head, "Do you love him?" As I shake my head to clear the cobwebs from it, I realize that it's not my own psyche, it's Matthew. He's saying it low but I know what he's asking me. Do I love Jackson? Do I love him the way that Jackson just said he loved me? I don't want to answer that. If I say yes or no, I leave broken hearts in my wake and if I choose wrong, one of them will be my own. I blink a few times and see faces, some twisted in shock, some in horror, some in delight, and some in cold, judgment. But the faces I see that look sympathetic are my sisters, Jackson's mother, Meredith, Arizona, Callie, and Cristina. They all look at me as if they don't envy me one bit. I don't want to let anyone down. I know that's a foolish notion, but I want to leave here today with a happy heart. I shouldn't even be in this situation right now. My contemplation turns quickly to anger at Jackson. How dare he? How dare he suddenly decided now of all days that I was the person he wanted to be with. I gave him that chance months ago when I said the same thing and he turned me down flat. I want to march down the stairs and slap him in the face, but my feet are rooted. When I look at him all I see are those gorgeous, blue eyes and I feel myself melting. His eyes show me what he's been keeping inside. He does love me. He's sad and he's hurt and he has just laid himself bare.

And then I look at Matthew and the same things I see in Jackson's eyes are also reflected there. I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm drowning in the immensity of the love these two, gorgeous unbelievable men seem to have for me.

So I run. I wrench my hand away from Matt's and away from Jackson's soulful eyes and I run until my chest hurts and I can't run anymore. I somehow manage to find myself by the ferry. I want to take the boat to who knows where. I'll wake up tomorrow and see about a transfer and start somewhere brand new. I'll just bury my feelings for both and try my hand in a new town where no one knows me.

After riding the ferry for four hours, I go back home. I know Matt will be there with my family and I'll have to explain why I ran. I walk in and he's in a sweatshirt and jeans and he has a suitcase.

He informs me that he's going to Greece on our honeymoon by himself and he hopes that one day I am truly happy.

He doesn't seem shocked or bitter or angry, just resigned.

I don't know how to act. I cannot call up Jackson and say yes to him. It's too soon for that, or maybe too late. All I know is that I love Jackson. I always have and even the things about him I hate, I love.

And I want to see where this thing could go.

So I text him a simple smiley face and see where it goes from here.


End file.
